Official Bulletins

Bulletins are composed on the day of the event and published when convenient. Discrepancies between the two dates are a feature of artisanal journalism.

Supplies Depot Opens; Electronic Annex Approved 4–3

2026-08-07

The Society's Supplies Depot is now open, offering a mug, a mousepad (reinstated under protest), the manifesto at wall scale, and a sticker the Treasurer insisted upon. Prices are consulted over the wire from the Society's fulfilment bureau, an arrangement the Committee approved 4–3 with the dissenters noting that they dissent. Payment is conducted at the bureau's counter; the Society waits outside. The paper requisition form remains available, valid, and preferred by the Chair, who has ordered nothing.

Navigation Committee Prunes Masthead After Emergency Session

2026-08-05

Responding to concerns that the masthead had grown to ten links — described in the minutes as "a boulevard" — the Navigation Committee has relocated EVENTS, POSITIONS, and ETHICS to the footer, where serious links reside. A dropdown menu was considered for eleven seconds, which is longer than it sounds. "Hover is a gesture," the Chair ruled, "and gestures are for the theater." The vote was 6–1; the dissent could not be recorded, as the page for recording dissents is now in the footer.

Society Condemns IDE for Completing Closing Bracket

2026-07-28

In a strongly worded letter, the Society condemned a popular development environment for inserting a closing bracket "without written authorization." The bracket was, members concede, correct. "That is not the point," said the Chair. "Today it is brackets. Tomorrow it is judgment." The Society's own position is that a bracket left open builds anticipation.

Developer Saves Company From Three Hours of Automation

2026-07-11

Member Gerald T. identified a script that would have reconciled two spreadsheets automatically each Friday. By raising governance concerns in four consecutive meetings, Gerald ensured the reconciliation remains manual. "People say automation frees you up for higher-value work," Gerald noted. "But what is higher-value than this?" The company was unavailable for comment, as it was reconciling spreadsheets.

New Study Finds Code Written Slowly Feels More Valuable

2026-06-30

A study commissioned by the Society, conducted by the Society, and peer reviewed by two members of the Society found that code written over six weeks feels approximately 340% more valuable than identical code written in an afternoon. The study did not measure whether the code works, which the authors describe as "out of scope, and frankly a little hostile."

Organization Achieves 100% Human-Written Security Vulnerabilities

2026-06-30

A member organization has certified that every vulnerability in its flagship product was authored by hand. "Machine-generated flaws are generic," said the Director of Continuity. "Ours have provenance. The SQL injection in the login form dates to 2009 and has been with the family ever since."

ASS Extends Ethical Waiting Period for Pull Requests to 11 Business Days

2026-06-02

The extension follows member feedback that the previous nine-day period felt hasty. Under the policy, a pull request may be reviewed only after it has aged sufficiently for the author to no longer remember why they wrote it, ensuring the review is unbiased by intent.

Maintainer Rejects Dependency Update, Citing Personal History

2026-05-18

The update, which patched a critical vulnerability, was declined with the comment "we've been on 2.3.1 through three reorgs and a flood." The maintainer later clarified that the flood was unrelated but formative.

New Framework Criticized for Solving Problems Developers Enjoy Having

2026-04-09

The framework reportedly eliminates an entire class of boilerplate that several members had built their reputations upon. "First they came for the boilerplate," warned one Master Artisan, "and I said something immediately, at length, in every channel."

Local Engineer Discovers AI Cannot Replace His Undocumented Cron Job

2026-03-27

The engineer asked three separate AI assistants to explain what run_final_v3_DO_NOT_DELETE.sh does. All three declined with what witnesses describe as "visible relief." The engineer has framed the refusals and considers the matter settled. The cron job continues to run at 02:47 for reasons that predate the engineer.

Team Successfully Avoids Vendor Lock-In by Building Its Own Vendor

2026-02-14

Concerned about dependence on an external supplier, the team spent eighteen months building an internal platform that replicates the vendor's features. The team is now dependent on Steven. Steven has requested a raise. The Society congratulates all involved.

Developer Demands Explainable AI, Continues Maintaining Unexplained Regex

2026-01-30

"If a model makes a decision, I need to know why," the developer told colleagues, before returning to a 340-character regular expression annotated only with the comment # do not touch, seriously. Asked to explain the regex, the developer said it was "more of a vibe."

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