Annual ASS Conference 2026
Venue: Conference Room B, and if registration exceeds
expectations, also Conference Room B on a second day.
Registration: By post. Confirmations are not sent;
attendance is how you find out.
Wi-Fi: Available. Password distributed orally, once,
at 09:00 sharp.
| Time | Session | Speaker |
|---|---|---|
| 09:00 | Opening remarks, distribution of Wi-Fi password | The Chair |
| 09:15 | AI Is Just If Statements | Keynote; speaker has not evaluated AI and considers this a qualification |
| 10:30 | Why I Rewrote Kubernetes in Bash | Survivor |
| 11:30 | The Business Case for Tribal Knowledge | Director of Continuity |
| 12:30 | Lunch (locally sourced, like our dependencies) | — |
| 13:30 | Microservices: Making Local Function Calls Someone Else's Problem | Certified Complexity Professional |
| 14:30 | Fighting Technical Debt by Renaming It Heritage | Heritage Software Maintainer |
| 15:30 | Twenty Years of Vim: I Still Haven't Learned How to Exit | Speaker attends remotely; session cannot end |
| 16:30 | Panel: Is Git Too Much Automation? | Consensus not expected |
| Time | Session | Speaker |
|---|---|---|
| 09:00 | Redistribution of Wi-Fi password for those who wrote it down wrong | The Chair |
| 09:15 | How Documentation Made My Team Replaceable | A cautionary witness |
| 10:30 | The Cloud Is Just Someone Else's Bare Metal | Owner of the machine under Deborah's desk |
| 11:30 | From Junior to Senior: Learning to Say No Without Reading the Proposal | Master Artisan |
| 12:30 | Lunch (leftovers; waste is a form of automation) | — |
| 13:30 | Workshop: Build Your Own Dependency Manager — why trust thousands of contributors when you can trust yourself? | Bring a laptop with nothing installed |
| 16:00 | Writing Maintainable Code That Only I Can Maintain | Distinguished Fellow |
| 17:00 | Closing remarks, collection of unused VGA adapters | The Chair |
- Monthly Objection Evening — a new tool is presented for thirty seconds, then objected to for ninety minutes. Attendees are asked not to read about the tool beforehand, to keep objections pure.
- The Ethical Waiting Period Vigil — members gather to observe open pull requests aging respectfully. Refreshments.
- Legacy Systems Remembrance Day — a minute of silence for every system decommissioned prematurely, defined as: at all.
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